Down With Skool! Read online

  WAM WAM BONK ZUNK PLUNK

  (dancers enter)

  ALL: Dilly dilly dilly dilly O

  With a rilly dilly, strawberry, o. (pointing toes)

  Rilly-me Dilly me. (jangling a bell on the end of the nose)

  EBENEZER: Rilly-dilly jingle. Rilly-dilly jingle.

  EPHRAIM: With a raspberry o.

  ALL: Rilly-dilly raspberry rilly-dilly raspberry o.

  Piano then goes WAM PLUNK BISH BASH ZUNK while all boys dance like mad bells jangle dogs yap babes cry squadron of heavy bombers fly overhead rane fall molesworth 2 get strangled in the maypole man call for the telephone bill and gardener canot sleep in the onion bed.

  Piano then finish RUNK DUNK RILLY ME REE etc and burst into flames, miss pringle fame and confusion reigns with super charge of mad morris dancers. In fact the only man who can really enjoy all this is the deaf master who sa he hav always liked hiathwatha and look as if he will sing onaway awake beloved for 2 pins.

  Of course there are other organised forms of torture for parents recitation of loss of the royal george latin pla duet (n. molesworth and p. peason Spring song. Mendleson) chorus from mikado cristopher robin carol concerts and not least molesworth 2 who pla mightily his famous piece fairy bells which nothing hav ever been known to stop.

  Any case there is only one thing for parents to sa when they recover their speech they must sa it was much beter than last year. Wot last year must hav been like then is a lot more than i can imagine.

  3. ASSEMBLY OF THE WIZZO SPACE SHIP

  Bung the box contaning the model over to your pater and watch his face as he reads the instructions.

  HOW TO ASSEMBLE IN 5 MINITS

  Your box will contane the folowing parts:

  1 cormthruster

  1 envelop

  6 Wizzo crabbing pins

  4 Wizzo girders

  10 special grabs

  1 computator with vertical helicons

  Provide yourself with Wizzo screwdriver and tube of Wizzo concrete paste (from all dealers). Get a metal drill a spirit level and welding set from your toolbox.

  Gum the flap (a) to the cormthruster (c) bending towards the Wizzo girders (d) and inserting the crabbing pins. Be careful that the crabbing pins do not touch the special grabs. Iron the envelop (f) and blow it up until it is the size of a foopball and quickly insert Wizzo girders. Pierce the envelop with a Wizzo skewer (from all dealers) and carefully ease the computator into the envelop securing with the grabs. When the computator is in place adjust the helicons by marrying the cormthruster to grabs and crabbing pins.

  A GAUL returning to Gaul. 83

  Your Wizzo Space Ship is now ready for flying.

  And your pater after three hours is ready for suicide n.b. as a kindly thort provide a Wizzo sledge hamer for smashing the whole thing to relieve your paters feelings. You will find he sticks to it with the Wizzo concrete paste which is super.

  4. READING ALOUD

  It hapens very often that parents think they are worred about the progress a boy is making, they do not realise that all boys are numskulls with o branes which is not surprising when you look at the parents really the whole thing goes on and on and there is no stoping it it is a vicious circle.

  Some parents try to teach lat arith etc. in the hols but either they don't kno enuff or they loose their tempers and get into a terific bate. Other parents try to give culture etc and this is always disastrous.

  PARENT: now nigel we hav a quiet half hour before bed I will read you the Hapy prince it is a very beatiful story indeed and will bring tears to your eyes.

  SKOLAR: O.K. Super smashing and good show.

  PARENT: (in low voice full of emotion) high above the city on a tall column stood the statue of the Hapy prince nigel will you stop looking out of the window.

  SKOLAR: There's a canbera bomber going past. Look zoom wizz eee-auouw.

  PARENT: Boys will be boys i supose i will start agane. High above the city on a tall col—

  SKOLAR: It's coming back eeeeeeeee-au-ooooooo.

  PARENT: (with patience) Column stood the statue of the Hapy prince. He was gilded all over with thin leaves of fine gold.

  SKOLAR: Machine guns eh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

  PARENT: You kno old chap this is an absolutely tip-top tale but it is no use my reading if you are going to shoot down the enemy like that. Please listen.

  SKOLAR: I am listning.

  PARENT: Where was i for eyes he had two bright sapphires and a large ——

  SKOLAR: How long would it take to fly to the moon?

  PARENT: What hav that to do with this beatiful tale of the Hapy prince?

  SKOLAR: Absolutely o with some of the planets you would be 823 before you got there.

  PARENT: (sticking to it) he is as beatiful as a weathercock remarked one of the town councillors hav you got a handkerchief nigel as this tale gets sad later on a swallow strips the prince of all his gold.

  SKOLAR: Did he sell it. O gosh.

  PARENT: Why do you sa o gosh. The tale is beatiful becos of the loveliness of the prose it may help you to hav a beter charakter nigel. It may—— (but SKOLAR is not listning he is throing chalk at a black beetle on the window. PARENT chucks the book at him in a collossal rage and stumps off to hav a drink.)

  Parent stumps off to hav a drink.

  Parents at a Glance

  I always think character is more important than brains.

  But we always give him gin!

  I've brought him some chocs, a comic, an air gun, a pound of Turkish Delight and can he come home next Wednesday?

  When I was a boy we got six of the best every day. Made me what I am.

  And what's behind this wee door?

  No darling Schopenhauer did not quite mean that.

  I don't care if Mrs Bradbury did run for Britain I'm still going to have a cocktail.

  I am sorry about his vest and pants but when he was a little boy he always wore combinations.

  I think sometimes parents may wonder whether we are worth the sacrifices they make for us.

  7

  SKOOL FOOD

  OR THE PIECE OF COD WHICH PASSETH UNDERSTANDING

  I. ETIQUTTE

  Many boys find themselves quite incapable of making any rude comments on skool food. This is hardly good maners hem-hem and i must impress on all cads and bounders who sa poo gosh when they see a skool sossage to mend their ways

  When faced with a friteful piece of meat which even the skool dog would refuse do not screw up the face in any circs and sa coo ur gosh ghastly. This calls atention to oneself and makes it more difficult to pinch a beter piece from the next boy.

  Rice PUDINGS and jely in the poket are not a good mixture with fluff and the ushual nauseating contents. Sometimes you can chiz a bit of pink mange into a hankchief but it is apt to be a bit hard to manage when bloing the nose. peason hav tried green peas up the sleeve but no good really as they all come shooting down again.

  We in our skool are proud of our maners which maykth us the weeds we are and when grabber shoot peas from peashooter at the deaf master we are much shoked i do not think. Nor do we make lakes of treacle in the poridge or rivers of gravy through the mashed potatoes perish the thort.

  AT TABLE

  Acktually whatever boys may sa about skool food the moment deaf master sa lord make us truly etc. whole skool descend upon food with roar like an H bomb and in 2 minits all hav been swept bare. We then hav time for interval of uplifting conversation

  i sa e.g.

  i think aldous huxley is rather off form in point counterpoint, peason. And he repli i simply couldn't agree with you more rat face but peason is very 4th rate and hav not got beyond buldog drummond. Anyway then the next course come and all boys disappear in a cloud of jely blanch mange plums and aple while treacle tart fly in all directions.

  WITHDRAWAL

  When the repast is finished the head of the skool or headmaster should wait for a moment until the conversation shows some small signs o
f flagging then rising to his feet he indicates that the meal is at an end and the lades may withdraw.

  Acktually if he waited for the conversation to flag he would be sitting there until tea time when it would all begin agane. Wot he does is to bawl Silence at the top of his voice separate three tuoughs who are firing and the whole skool charge into the coridor except molesworth 2 who is pinching the radio malt.

  A ROMAN returning to Rome.

  2. A NIGHTMARE

  Everbode kno all there is to kno about prunes but anyway the other day i dreamed about them and this is what hapned.

  THE REVOLT OF THE PRUNES

  by

  n. molesworth.

  Once upon a time there was a tribe of savvage prunes who lived in a blak mass in the skool pantry.

  The prunes had been brought from the prune country where they lived hapily tuoughing each other up and indulging in cotage industries. Then one day JASPER the huge headmaster with huge and hairy hands from grasping the kane descended upon the prunes and caried them off in his case.

  So the prunes lay in the pantry and on Mon rue wed thur and fri the cook came in and chose a few to cook for the boys.

  At last a prune more savvage than the rest spoke up.

  ‘There is no future in this,’ he said. ‘Absolutely none at all.’

  ‘And do you hear what they sa about us?’ said a sensitive prune.

  ‘The only one who eats us is molesworth 2,’ piped up another, ‘but he would eat anything.’

  A fourth said:

  ‘Imagine being inside molesworth 2 with all those comon lozenges spangles carots radio malt and all the other things he hav pinched.’

  This thort was so ghastly that the prunes were silent for 24 hours until the chief prune spoke agane:

  ‘We must rise up,’ he sa.

  Meanwhile in the prune camp the Revolt had been carefully planned.

  ‘Exactly,’ sa the sensitive prune. ‘Why should we revolt them all the time? Why canot they revolt us?’

  ‘That's what we'll do,’ sa the chief prune. ‘We'll have a REVOLT.’

  Next day it was the ushual shambles in the skool dining room. Bred pelets flying soup splashing boys yeling when peason sa:

  ‘There are a lot of prunes about toda. i don't like the look of them.’

  ‘i don't like the taste of them,’ sa molesworth 1 who was a grate wit.

  ‘Can you hear drums?’ sa peason. ‘what are they drumming for sahib?’

  ‘They are always drumming,’ sa molesworth 1. ‘Give me a chota peg boy.’

  He then call BOY BOY BOY.

  No repli.

  ‘They are beating the war drums,’ quaver peason. ‘My nerves are in shreds.’

  ‘So are your trousis,’ sa molesworth wittier than ever.

  Meanwhile in the prune camp the Revolt had been carefully planned. The hour would strike when the prunes were to be served.

  ‘JASPER the headmaster must be slain first,’ sa the chief prune. ‘Then we mop up the rest of them. No prisoners will be taken not a boy must be spared.’

  So ten thousand prunes waited for action.

  ‘Cuh i sa gosh i mean to say its prunes agane,’ came the cry from sixty throats.

  ‘Prunes are good for you,’ repli the masters in chorus but without conviction.

  At that moment the hour struck.

  With fierce yells the prunes leapt from plates from dishes from the boxing cup and other hiding places yeling fercely.

  JASPER the headmaster was the first victim. When he saw the prunes he gave a yell of fright his false teeth shot across the room and lodged in the opposite wall. The boys noticed no difrence. they thort he was shouting at molesworth 1 as ushual.

  Jasper died horribly.

  While JASPER died horibly all was calm at molesworth's table.

  ‘the trouble with you peason,’ sa molesworth 1, ‘is that the country is geting you. you need furlo.’

  ‘Its the jungle the ceaseless noise the cries of the jackals.’

  ‘if you can hear a jackal in this dining room you'll be jolly lucky,’ sa molesworth.

  He larffed a little.

  ‘Perhaps it is we who get on each other's nerves,’ sa peason reflectively. Then he jumped up gasping:

  ‘Look the prunes are marching out of the dining room door!’

  That was what saved the boys.

  The chief prune was a regular soldier and the moment the Revolt broke out he did what all generals do. He burrowed underground and established his headquarters. He had a lot of relations and made them all staff prunes.

  Then he poured over the map.

  ‘We should strike here,’ said the Chief Prune.

  ‘Yes sir,’ said the G One prune.

  ‘Yes sir,’ said the G Two prune.

  ‘Yes sir,’ said the G Three prune.

  But unfortunately he hapned to be pointing at the dining room door so the whole army of prunes marched out of sight and could not be brought into the batle.

  It took the skool half an hour to realize that JASPER the headmaster was dead murdered by the prunes. Then all the masters quareled who would wield the kane. At molesworth's table he was recovering from a siesta when the news was brought.

  ‘Dead?’ he said. ‘By whom?’ (Grammer.)

  ‘The prunes are openly revolting.’

  ‘Yes sir,’ said the G One prune.

  molesworth by a grate act of heroism choked back the quip which rose to his lips.

  ‘Sound the alarm,’ he cried.

  ‘The alarm went off at ten to four.’

  ‘Then to horse.’

  ‘There is only one horse,’ replid peason paying him back in his own coin. ‘They are on the playing fields.’

  ‘This,’ said molesworth, ‘is one batle which will be won on the playing fields of eat 'em.’

  But there was no responsive larffter.

  ‘This,’ sa molesworth 1, ‘is one batle which will be won—oh well carry on.’

  The prunes encamped on the onion bed the boys on the criket pitch.

  All through the night the oposing forces watched each other. Down in the headquarters both staffs pored over their maps and there was fitful conversation. The boys were very serious. they realized what would hapen if the prunes won. They would be put in the larder and the prunes would complane about them.

  ‘Boys agane toda ugh,’ the prunes would sa.

  And what they would sa when they tasted molesworth 2 canot be imagined.

  ‘Let us strike here,’ said the duke of molesworth. ‘Form square men.’

  ‘A square man?’ said peason. ‘Who ever heard of that?’

  ‘Only the general can make jokes,’ molesworth said coldly.

  ‘To horse!’ cried peason.

  ‘One horse will do,’ said the duke, larffing.

  Honour was satisfied.

  ‘CHARGE!’ he ordered.

  And so the two armies moved against each other but owing to headquarters they missed. One army fell in the river, the other in the duck pond.

  The noise in fact was so grate that it woke JASPER the headmaster who had not been murdered at all but was thinking of latin sentences. With a croak of rage he grasped his kane and rolled out cursing in the name of Beelzebub. He gave six of the best to every boy on sight but i am glad to sa that the prunes were all drowned in the duck pond.

  It was a sad loss to JASPER but there was only one thing to do. He sat down and ordered some more.

  All drowned in the duck pond.

  Curtain Speech

  Well that is all there is to know about skool but it is alright becos the end of the term is in sight cheers cheers cheers. All boys get together with super rags wheezes japes and pranks. Down with the masters no more latin no more french no more sitting on the hard old bench no more earwigs in our stew etc. Pilow fights and feasts in the dorm. Noble boys make bonfires of skool books and toast the staff slowly in the flames Charge at everbode and zoom around.

  So the bus ar
ives goodbye to all goodbye to skool pig and skool dog to matron one and all sa hav a good hols we weep with joy. Goodbye headmaster goodbye peason acktually you are joly d. and it is sad to leave. Goodbye to all goodbye.

  * a chiz is a swiz or swindle as any rule kno.